Returning To Work But Losing My Creativity

Last Monday (29th March) I returned to work after 2.5 months on Furlough in which I haven't been working. I wrote about my return to work, and thought I would share it here. It was written last Wednesday but I decided to wait a few days before sharing it. Please be aware that it was written at 4am of a sleepless night and I'm aware that it may sound quite bitter, but it's an honest account of how I was (and still am) feeling.

I returned to work this week.

Part of me is delighted - I can go out, I can speak to people outside of my household, I have more of an income again (as although I was on furlough, most of my pay came from working 8+ hours of overtime a week, which was not paid as part of the furlough scheme), and I feel a bit more normality returning. I also feel as though I have a purpose again.

However it is also quite stressful.

The return to work is not quite as good as I thought it would be.

It's not even work that's the stressful part (although that is really stressful!)

It's that I feel like I can't get anything done anymore - anything outside of work.

I had myself in a really good routine during the time I haven't been working - a routine that maximised my productivity and allowed me to fit in time to do a variety of things: creating to-do lists and scheduling, reading, crafting, cooking, working out, Instagram time (posting and interacting on all 4 of my accounts), working more on my online courses, practicing self care, Yoga sessions, clearing my Netflix List and more.

But now I don't have the time to do all of that.

The longest it takes me to read a book usually is 2 days (starting one day and finishing the following day). I started a book on Sunday evening - it is currently Wednesday and I haven't finished it yet.

Most of my reading time occurs in the morning. Now if I'm lucky I'll find the time to read something at about 6pm - well that happened on Monday. I feel weird not reading as it's such a big part of my life, especially lately. It's a coping mechanism of mine as well, but in the job I work in, I don't have the opportunity to read.

It's other things as well.

My workouts have been reduced to about half an hour in order to get other things done.

I am yet to start a crafting project yet this week, or done any work on my online course, or done any work on any designs, or anything.

I've just worked, read the smallest amount I've read in the longest time and at least halved the time I spend working out and doing Yoga in a day.

And I know over the coming weeks, it will only get harder to keep up with what I want to be able to do.

I feel like I'm starting to burn myself out with trying to do what I want to do, and I've barely done anything. I can feel the exhaustion setting in and I really want to be able to catch up with everything.

In mid April, I'll be going back to my second job (I work two jobs and they've both been closed for the lockdowns), and that will give me even less time. I'll be returning to 7 days a week of work, with one day off a month. And I am so worried about what I'll do.

All these skills and coping mechanisms I've been developing in the last few weeks have become a huge part of my life and I don't know what I'll do without them being as big a part of my life as they have been - or even being in my life at all.

I know I shouldn't really stress and worry about this all, but I am happy with the person I have become in the last few months because of developing these skills and practicing them regularly.

I also know I am lucky to be returning to work: lucky enough to be alive when so many are losing their lives, but I can't help how I feel.

Anyway I think that's enough of a stress about this. I'll just try to find away to keep as much up as I can without burning myself out.