The Reality Of Accomplishments During Lockdown (my reality anyway)

I've had people contacting me lately regarding what I've been up to, all the things I am doing.

I think they think that I am well adjusted to everything - to this lockdown, to being stuck at home, to being furloughed, and more.

I mean I am accomplishing things - I have updated blog posts and social media (especially my bookstagram) regularly, completed quite a few modules of my online diploma courses, crafted a lot, read even more.

I seem to be like those people online who have it all together - the people that I was jealous of during the first lockdown.

But I feel like I need to be honest - I'm not all that together. And I am wondering if the people I was jealous of were in the same position that I am in now.

Please note that this is not for attention, sympathy or anything similar. But I feel it is important to share the "online vs. reality".

Everything I have been doing and sharing lately is to ensure that I do cope with everything that's happening.

I have been reading a lot as a means of escape. When I am reading, I don't have to stress about what's going on in the world. I can take on other peoples problems and forget my own. I can spend some time in another persons life, experiencing things through them. I can be someone other than myself, feel things other than my own stresses while losing myself in a book. The more books I read, the more I can lose myself in them.

That's the same for my crafting and online learning - while I am learning something new, taking assessments or crafting something, it allows my brain to switch off from thinking and worrying. My mind is instead filled of what I have just learned or trying to remember things I have learned for my assessment, concentrating on my next stitch or the next row, becoming excited to see the end result of whatever project I am working on.

All these things also help in other ways. Being stuck inside is very frustrating - as much as I love the family I live with, they can get on my nerves. It's not really anything to do with them as such, but not being able to get away from them (the kind of escape I could usually find in the normalcy of life, such as going to work). I'm spending all day, every day, constantly around them or in their company, and unfortunately that means that the little things about a person which may get on your nerves about a person (such as talking to me when I am trying to do something or the way someone laughs or eats) build up. I get quite frustrated, irritated and annoyed. I can say with absolute certainty that they feel the same about me too, that's the thing with living in close confinements. But I don't want to be irritated all the time, I don't want to take my frustrations out on the people I love. So sometimes I need something to take me away from that - a distraction and a way of forgetting my frustrations. By taking myself away from my feelings, I can do something constructive which also helps me to cool down, until my frustrations are no longer frustrations.

That's why I am constantly reading, crafting or learning - they keep me sane, and are nothing to do with being on top of things or being able to accomplish things all the time.

I don't usually talk about my emotions - I especially don't share anything I'm feeling on social media or elsewhere online, and that's another part of the reason I seem like I have it all together.

Online I post the bare minimum - projects I am proud of, things I accomplished a while ago, books I have read, a selfie from a few months ago when I was having a good day, a nice memory: things like that.

But that's really just a thing on the outside.

I haven't been on Facebook since February - it took up too much energy and honestly it stressed me out too much being on there. I knew staying on there would cause a massive problem for my mental health, so I left it. I'm not even sure many people have noticed - and that's okay, we all have our problems to focus on.

I also haven't replied to messages in months - probably before Christmas was the last time I properly replied to messages. It's just one more thing which stresses me out. I haven't even replied to the people I mentioned at the start of the blog post at the time of typing this post. I just feel like I can't - the more I want to reply to people, the more stressed and under pressure (from myself) I feel, and I can't bring myself to respond. For that, I apologise. I will get around to it eventually but for now it's too much.

Even the latest blog post update I shared, it took me like an hour to think of the title. And the one I finally came up with was a shitty one at that. I sat on it for the whole of Saturday, hoping that I could think of something better, ready for posting on Sunday. But that never happened. Part of me wanted to not even post the update because I couldn't think of a better title.

That's the problem though - I feel like I need to be seen to be in control all the time, that I can't let any weaknesses be seen.

That's why social media can be completely fake. You never truly know how someone is feeling. Someone could be completely overwhelmed by life, or even in a really bad place with their mental health, but if their social media face shows them accomplishing things, it seems as though they're okay.

Again this is not for attention, mostly I am as okay as I can be in these stressful and uncertain times. But the reality needs to be shared, people need to realise that in some way, we're all struggling. And the fake face of Social Media needs to be seen through.

Please take after yourselves.

You do whatever YOU need to do in order to feel in control or to feel okay.

For you, it may be scrolling through social media or avoiding it.

It may be working out or going for a walk.

It may be calling a friend or practicing self care.

It might be reading something, watching a film or binge watching a tv show.

It could be drawing or writing or creating something.

Even if it's just getting out of bed rather than staying there all day, it's what YOU need, and it's a big accomplishment.

It could be Anything, but it needs to be YOU.

Whatever it is - DO IT.

Do it and look after yourself.

You're too important.

Please remember this: